How Do You Respond?

Written by: Nina Cashman

Occasionally, as we go about our daily routines, out of nowhere, something small in our worlds comes into more precise focus.

A subtle yet illuminating insight is delivered. I’m unsure why this happens, nor could I describe the exact conditions that make up these experiences. All I know is that they seem connected to our ability to notice what we witness as we find ourselves in heightened states of observation. Ones that go beyond seeing what’s happening to observe our own experiences of what’s happening.

As Bruce D. Schneider, founder of iPEC (Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching), puts it – 

It's like “being a participant and observer… at the same time.”

I attended a hot yoga class a few weeks ago – no different than a couple of days prior or several days I’d already gone in the previous weeks.  Uneventfully, the instructor guided us through a flow we had done many times before. We made it to the posture of “Dancer’s,” which involves balancing on one standing leg and kicking the other leg behind you, as one arm reaches back to grab the foot of the raised leg while the other stretches forward to create a sort of standing bow (another name for the pose). This pose requires balance and focus, and it’s typically held for about 1.5 minutes per leg – each second adding to the challenge.

It's one of my favorite yoga poses because it provides a soothing back stretch and release of the spine. I feel a grounded, steady sense of power when I can hold the pose for the entire time. Sometimes though, the posture can be hard to maintain. Minds can easily wander to a to-do list or a previous part of the day, and even though it’s discouraged, eyes could meander over to a classmate’s implementation of the pose. These “wanderings” often lead to a shakiness in posture, which causes distraction and fallout. Of course, one can always put themselves back into the pose, so there is no need to catastrophize it ; ).

Back up to a couple of weeks ago – I noticed a sort of “contagion” unfold before my eyes while our class was doing Dancer’s pose.

From the periphery of my vision, I could see that another yogi in the front row had started to wobble and prematurely fell out of the pose. Just as this happened, a few other bodies in front of me started to wobble. Then, like clockwork, I began to wobble, too. I’ve observed this many times before, but again, this time, I noticed myself as I experienced the observation.

I could feel my balance falter as I attempted to adjust the leverage between my forward-reaching arm and my raised arched leg. I tried to narrow my focus to one spot to steady my body and stay in the pose. Yet, despite my readjustments, ideas of falling had already been rooted in my mind – they formed classic seeds of doubt.

I found myself battling between the present moment and a vision countering the outcome I wanted – to stay in the pose.

Eventually, doubts sprouted into reality as we each fell, one by one like dominoes, out of the pose – perhaps not fully appreciating how much we’d influenced one another’s confidence with the posture.

Many of us would prefer not to admit how much influence other people have on us, nor are we fully aware of our effect on others. Yet, when we do notice, it serves as an essential reminder to pay attention to how much we allow people’s influence to impact our reality.

I love this quote by Frances Vaughn –

“we have thoughts, feelings, and emotions, but we are not our thoughts, feelings, and emotions.”

We are so much more! And, if we cannot rely on our own changing perceptions to define the true nature of who we are, why would we allow someone else’s filter to affect how we experience the world?

Many people I work with are drawn to coaching because they desire personal introspection. They want to develop a more profound sense of understanding about blind spots and strengths to grow. As self-evaluation unfolds, we gain a deeper insight into observation as we watch ourselves on the stage of our lives from front-row seats. We begin to see our responses to the set and cast of characters surrounding us. When this happens, we gain a magical glimpse into how we allow influences to drive our actions and create our experiences.

As we observe the many choices and responses available at any given moment, we see the potential for so many different storylines to unfold. We notice what’s causing us to “wobble” and look at our responses to it.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I take on the world’s weight. Falling like a domino to another person’s stress or arbitrary judgments, as if my fate is bound to their moods, insecurities, and perspectives. And, yes, while we’re all connected, at least in our ability to influence one another, we also have the vast capability to decide how we interact with the world around us. In other words, what choices will we make when we wobble amidst outside influences?

Remember the old saying,

“What other people do and say is about them – how you choose to respond is about you.”

Someone else’s experience of the world doesn’t always belong to us. Yet, we often allow projections from another’s stress or pain points to impact us beyond reason. Feeling compassion for someone else’s challenges doesn’t mean we must take them on as our own. It seems important to stay connected to our sense of direction by staying focused and enthusiastic – not if, but when we ever start to wobble.