Is this an “either / or” or a “both / and”?

by Nina Cashman

Have you ever found yourself wondering how to embody forgiveness and compassion, while also respecting your own personal boundaries?

In a world where callous professionalism is often esteemed, it’s no wonder that so many hard, yet productive conversations get side-skirted, as we trade-in our boundaries for our ideals of compassion. The rational? Our understandable human desire to experience nothing but harmony in our lives.

We all know the old adage – “holding onto anger and bitterness hurts ourselves more than anyone else” -- Unknown.

I couldn’t agree more with the late Thich Nhat Hanh when he said, “every one of us has the capacity to love, to forgive, to understand and to be compassionate.”  Indeed, experiencing harmonious collaboration and extending our love, feels much more pleasant than holding onto our disappointment and contempt.

Yet, whether personal or professional, we all confront tough relationships in our lives, and they are what put our levels of compassion to the test. While our natural “capacity to love” may steer us down a path of focusing on the needs and desires of others, our internal alarms might ring if we sense that others could misconstrue our kindness, as invitations to push against our boundaries. We’re all familiar with the old saying, “give them an inch and they take a mile!”

I know, I know, it doesn’t make us feel too enlightened to admit we’ve dealt with a crossed boundary or two, and better yet, that love and kindness isn’t always our first go-to. If this is all foreign to you, then I’m not really sure how you made it here… not just to adulthood… but to my blog! I prefer to write for the human types : ). And, for those of you who prefer “leadership lingo” over real words that normal people use, you may have to overlook my use of the word “but” – AND, the next sentence is just for you ; ).

Whenever we feel a boundary getting crossed, it’s not only normal, it’s completely reasonable to feel tension with our innate capacity to love, forgive and extend kindness.

So, how do we reconcile our urge to live compassionately, while also honoring our values and respecting our boundaries? To answer this question, I think it’s worth exploring the meaning of the words– “boundary” and “compassion.”

What is a boundary and what purpose does it serve?

Is a boundary an invisible line created to protect ourselves from discomfort? Is it an attempt to control how others engage with us? Or, does a boundary simply honor personal integrity, self-respect and our sense of well-being?

I’ve noticed people who are unafraid to uphold their boundaries, seem to have a high threshold for navigating discomfort. They have a willingness to confront outside forces that attempt to diminish what they value without attaching themselves to someone else’s reactions. They don’t try to control other people’s actions, nor change the way other people think. They simply stay true to their own moral codes, regardless of existing social pressures.

So, what are the components of a strong boundary?

As I see it, a strong boundary seems to correlate directly with our integrity. Take a look at how the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the word “integrity:”

1) firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values: incorruptibility,

2) an unimpaired condition: soundness, and

3) the quality or state of being complete or undivided: completeness.

So, when we hold a strong boundary, it seems we are also clear about what matters to us, and we focus on keeping it whole. If something or someone attempts to diminish, or even threaten a value, that’s when we might say our “boundaries get crossed.”

When our boundaries are clear, then we’ll have the courage to address whomever is challenging them. When our boundaries are weak, or less clear, we may find ourselves shying away from any sort of confrontation, lest it make us seem like we are being unkind or lacking compassion. Now, for anyone who works in the space of personal or professional development, an accusation like this could feel like the kiss of death!

Meanwhile, avoidance of confrontation can feel even worse! It often leads to a faded sense of self-respect and false harmony. We all know this type of existence takes a mental, emotional, spiritual, and even physical toll!

Okay, onto compassion– what is it and what makes it so important?

I think many of us have the tendency to place compassion outside ourselves. In other words, we may limit our focus to how we’re able to integrate compassion into our interactions with others. We may fall prey to the idea that compassion only shows-up as “agreeability,” “politeness,” and “positivity.”

Yet, just think of what happens to our states of compassion, when we allow others to trample all over our boundaries!

Most of us with red blood and a beating heart (again, the target audience for this post), won’t automatically turn to love and kindness during such trialing moments. Quite the opposite, actually! I know, I know, it’s hard to admit that being human ain’t always pretty (or easy) – especially for us personal development junkies — you know who you are ; ).

So, how possible is it to extend compassion and kindness to others, if we’re unwilling to preserve it for ourselves?

There’s a known legal principle that says, “you cannot give what you do not have” – and I interpret this to mean that if you cannot show compassion for yourself, or care for what’s important to you, then you probably don’t have much to offer (yet), when it comes to extending genuine compassion to others.

So, what’s a clear way of experiencing self-compassion (a/k/a -- the bridgeway to extended compassion)? In my opinion, it develops as we learn to honor and care for the things that are meaningful to us. Whether it’s your sense of well-being, health (mental, emotional or physical), loved ones, business, time – a person with healthy boundaries will actively nurture what’s sacred to them. After all, if we cannot honor our own values, then how can we expect anyone else to?

And, guess what? Recognizing and standing-up for our values sometimes requires acts of courage – like speaking-up when we don’t necessarily feel invited to be heard, or even knowing when it’s time to move on. While these sorts of things don’t exactly bring immediate warmth into our hearts, acts of courage are heart-strengthening activities. Remember, the root word for courage, “cor,” means “heart” in Latin. I’d also like to point out that we cannot fault others for trampling on our boundaries, when we’ve never actually taken the time to clarify what they are, or if we continuously allow it to happen.

Now, back to my original question -- how do we reconcile our urge to live compassionately, while also honoring our boundaries?

It seems to me like living compassionately and honoring our boundaries are one and the same! Meaning our capacity to love, be kind, serve and forgive others, might begin with our ability to nurture what’s important to us, even if it involves initial pain or discomfort. What’s important to us has a right to be treated with respect, integrity, and yes, IMPORTANCE.

Disillusioning ourselves into thinking that we are excluded from experiencing our own love and kindness seems like the opposite of compassion. Compassion does not require self-depreciation to make others feel comfortable. It also need not involve allowing our boundaries to get trampled. Finally, apologies and forgiveness are not invitations for more “tramplings.”

Perhaps setting and communicating clear boundaries could be a most powerful act of compassion.

And, while upholding or communicating boundaries could sting in the short-term, perhaps it’s the only way to stimulate more understanding, forgiveness, love, kindness and compassion in the long term.

I’ll end with this great quote from Michael Pastore, “it is better to follow the Voice inside and be at war with the whole world, than to follow the ways of the world and be at war with your deepest self.”