Is keeping you stuck.

written by Nina Cashman

“Wouldn’t it be nice if __________?”

Have you ever found yourself filling-in this blank? Come on now, we all have an idealistic and well-intended side that, well…  just wishes and hopes the world, and the people in it, could be “better.” And, by “better,” we’re of course referring to our own definition of it ; ). Yet, we’ve all lived long enough to know that everyone has a different perspective of what’s ideal. Of course, what you think is right, others inevitably think is wrong – it’s just a plain fact of life.

So, why then, do we expect others to change before we’re able to feel content in our own lives?

Why do we clamor onto the idea that the world around us needs to be different, in order for us to feel comfortable? Why would our satisfaction rely on another person to act in certain ways, when we innately know that we cannot control others, and only ourselves? Talk about getting stuck… on spin cycle! Regardless, we all find ourselves doing this sometimes, don’t we?

Look, I know all of the expectations loaded into the phrase “wouldn’t it be nice,” sound, well… reeeeeeeally nice; but, what if I told you that our need for such pleasantries could actually be holding us back from greater possibilities?

What if on the other side of your need to control what’s “safe” is where real growth, creativity and tolerance begins? What if your expectations of how the world is “supposed to be” is actually overlooking the REALITY of “what it actually is”?  We can easily label our existence dualistically – it has highs and lows, good and evil, pains and joys, and many ups and downs.

So, how can we manage to influence a world which we refuse to see?

Think about it, if we’re only attempting to see the world through the lens of our own experiences, then how capable are we of inspiring changes within it? It seems to me that real change happens when we’re able to accept reality and work with it, as opposed to forcing our own agenda of how things “should be,” before we’ve accepted “what they actually are.”

Last fall, I faced some serious tension in my life. Some of my oldest relationships reached a point that became impossible to ignore. After months of reflection, I’ve come to notice that my own idealism has the tendency to blind me from, well… living ideally.  

That’s right, my desire to “build possibilities” in spaces where there’s little foundation to do so, has kept me from experiencing my own ideals, like peace, contentment, fun, and true collaboration. I’ve caught myself rationalizing how certain relationships “could be,” by saying things like, “wouldn’t it be nice if we could get along,” or “let’s make this work because that would be nice for all of us.”

While I’ve pushed to create experiences that fit the ideal of what I think I’m supposed to I want, I’ve naively overlooked actual evidence that tells me otherwise. This tendency has caused me to force personal connections in disconnected places and press for contentment within spaces that thrive upon unrest. I’ve done all of this while negating my own instincts, ironically, overstepping my own ability to experience the very things I claim, “would be nice.”

The result? My version of “wouldn’t it be nice” topples back into the sea of idealism from which it came. Meanwhile, reality sinks-in –

“hmmm, maybe some things just aren’t going to be ‘nice.’”

There’s a certain power and liberation that comes from this kind of acceptance. 

Now, this all might sound pretty gloomy, and yet, there are shining artifacts within the rubble of my own idealism. During these illuminating moments of acceptance, I’ve excavated the freeing realization that some places, spaces and faces may not ever mesh with my own ideals.

And, how in the hell could I ever expect anyone to accord with my ideals, when I know damn well how resentful I feel at the mere suggestion of having to live up to theirs?

Some circumstances aren’t going to change, simply because we want them to. People aren’t just going to contort to our own personal definitions of “good,” “right,” and “better,” no matter how justified we think they are. And, anytime we find ourselves grasping onto the idea that we’ve been “wronged,” we’ll almost always find the direction of our fingers reflect straight back to us, if we look a little closer. That’s right, every judgement and criticism we burden onto others, provide us with great clues for our own personal development.

Maybe it’s time to take back our power from thoughts of “wouldn’t it be nice,” by pulling our focus from future-oriented idealism, and instead, work within the presence of “what actually is.”

Acceptance of reality builds the ideal, and it’s how we create the lives we want. What’s possible isn’t a condition of “if… then,” or “when this or that changes, X will happen.” What’s possible is available right now, and we don’t have to wait for the world around us to change, in order to access it ourselves. We can create our ideal by accepting where we are, versus resisting or overlooking it. The possibilities we want are for us to create, not “them.”

So, perhaps taking active steps to embody the very ideals we demand from others, could get us out of idealism’s waiting room and into our ideal existence.

• BE the LOVE and ACCEPTANCE you want.

• BE the CARE and COMPASSION you want.

• BE the ATTENTION and ADMIRATION you want.

• BE the INCLUSIVITY and TOLERANCE you want.

• BE the SAFETY and COMFORT you want.

• BE the FREEDOM and LIBERTY you want.

• BE the JOY and PEACE you want.

And, with full acknowledgement that none of us can always live-up to our own ideals, much less someone else’s, let’s all consider pausing before pointing another finger at someone, when they too fall short sometimes. It’s a beautiful thing to share our humanity with one another, isn’t it? We’ve all been right, we’ve all been wrong, we’ve all been good, we’ve all been bad, we’ve all been joyful, we’ve all been painful, we’ve all been happy, and we’ve all been sad.

When it comes to human emotions, the playing field is equal.

WE are all of it, and in fact, the very things that divide us are also what keep us connected.