I hate to burst your bubble.

written by Nina Cashman

I feel sad. Actually, there’s more, I feel sad AND angry!

Scratch that, what’s really going on is a mixture of sadness, anger, betrayal, self-pity, confusion, powerlessness AND self-doubt. And, if that isn’t enough, I’m also noticing a sense of purpose, empowerment, compassion, and gratitude bubbling-up, just as I take a moment to acknowledge what I’m really feeling. 

I hate to burst your bubble, but my humanity proceeds my title – that’s right, even though I “coach” people for a living, I experience a full range of human emotions, just like you or anyone else. Why wouldn’t I? In fact, I work with a coach myself!

Unlike times in my life when I thought my painful emotions were a sign of weakness and unprofessionalism, I don’t feel the need to hide them anymore. I feel what I feel, sometimes I vocalize it, and guess what? You don’t have to like it. In fact, you don’t have to like me – I don’t have the energy to be everyone’s person. I’m slowly learning to be okay with the fact that I’m not – it’s been both an excruciating AND liberating process.

“Okay, life coach,” this is what one of my life’s “greatest teachers” said with seething satire in his voice, as he eyed someone else in the room after observing what he obviously considered to be a clear “moment of weakness” on my part. Gasp… I buckled and shared my honest emotions in a less than composed manner – THE HORROR!

Yes, I got extraordinarily angry and straight-up flipped my lid.

As you can imagine, this scene is one of many within a lifetime of similar events, involving the same cast of characters. You may know a story like this, too. It involves your joy and happiness spinning into a riveting tale about a monstrous villain, who has the audacity to… wait for it… enjoy life! Meanwhile the story’s victim(s) rightfully gain someone to blame for their own discontent by deflecting their discomforts onto an antagonist.

Meanwhile, the tale’s heroic peacekeepers fuel their self-worth and satisfaction by attempting to rescue everyone from the very situations they often enable, or sometimes, even instigate. It’s a classic “Drama Triangle,” and for anyone who’s played a part in one, it’s beyond exhausting.  

So, what’s the ending? SPOILER ALERT: it’s a royal let-down because EVERYONE ends-up feeling like a “victim.” It’s a lose / lose / lose conclusion.

I’ve often heard from friends throughout my life that I don’t share enough about what’s going on with me, personally.

It’s always stung to hear this because I know it’s true. I’ll admit, it’s much easier for me to talk about my external world than my internal world. The irony! Here I’ve found a great purpose from holding space for others to share of themselves with freedom and honesty, and yet, it’s so hard for me to do this myself!

The truth is, I’ve never felt 100% safe to share my vulnerabilities, as they’ve often been weaponized against me. Looking back, I can clearly see how people who may have wanted to know me, felt perplexed by my inability to open-up. I’ve groomed myself to seek acceptance from anyone who seems remotely adversarial. It’s become a survival skill, which has taken a lifetime to master. “I’ll win them over,” I’ll say to myself. So, I’ll preoccupy my attention with doing just that… and it often works… until it doesn’t, and then I’ll have to do it all over again. I’m tired just thinking about it!

It's a vicious cycle, and I suppose it’s one of the reasons I was drawn to personal and professional development. Since I’ve got pain’s number ready to go on speed-dial, you might imagine how purposeful it feels to help others confront their own. As the old saying goes,

“we teach best what we most need to learn” – Richard Bach.

Okay, back to my ungraceful moment of self-defense (at least that’s how I perceived it), which was seized upon by those who know my buttons all too well -- “okay, life coach!”

Without a doubt, these three words did exactly what they were intended to – stun me with notable shame, which has now inspired further contemplation. Once again, I’ve got to thank my toughest teacher for this.

I’m not contemplating the reasons for why my buttons got pushed – this is a matter for others to explore (if they so choose). What I’m compelled to explore is why this button exists for me in the first place?!

Once again, hard truths sting, don’t they?

While I believe whole-heartedly that all emotions serve a purpose, and are loaded with useful information, I can’t say I’m very comfortable with openly sharing my more painful ones. Quite the contrary, actually – I usually do my best to maintain “composure and control” because like most of us, I’ve learned this is the “acceptable” and more amicable way to behave. Yet, does this approach really achieve true harmony, and if so, with whom exactly? The very people who like to push our buttons?

I’ve often noticed that when I do let my emotional faucet turn-on, after too much suppression from holding back, my proverbial pipes burst from all the pressure of pretending like nothing is wrong, when I clearly believe something is. That’s right, all of the chatter, like – “it’s fine,” “stay calm,” “move on and pretend it’s okay” enables me to “act like I don’t see what’s really going on,” which only leads to a straight-up outburst.

Maybe you can relate? If nothing else, I think the summer of 2020 showed a worldwide version of this – at some point, the only way people find justice is by first, acknowledging that injustice is there. Yet, this can be tough to do, considering mistreatment operates best when it remains unseen.

I think it’s high time I practice what I preach by voicing my own painful emotions. I recognize my choice to openly do this comes with certain consequences, such as, judgement from others. Yet, from the space of my own non-judgment, I’m past the point of worrying about what you, or others think about me. And, of course, we all have free will to leave this page – and if that’s you, don’t let the mouse click you in the arse on your way out ; )! I say this with love and respect for your personal freedom and power of choice.

Contrary to the suggestion that a “life / career / business / executive / relationship coach,” or any human being for that matter, shouldn’t experience, nor share, strong emotions that others might label as “bad,” I’m going to model the exact opposite. Why? Because I’m DONE disregarding myself for the sole purpose of pleasing others; especially for those who don’t encourage, support, or even like me.

As I’ve seen with so many of my courageous clients, friends and family members, transformation almost always happens when we do our best to neutrally grasp what’s happening, while also taking full ownership to accept our own emotions, even the painful ones.

True change never happens when we bury, avoid, or blame others for what we’re feeling. When we can shine a light of truth on our emotional states, with a spirit of curiosity, and without the added burden of self-judgment, we’re making room for new possibilities to enter our lives. 

So, for what it’s worth, below is a list of some of my most painful emotions, released out of the proverbial bag.

I’m going to acknowledge them first, and then seek guidance from their intelligence, rather than continue to allow them to hold me back. There’s always a solution on the other side of our problems – challenges and possibilities exist on two sides of the exact same coin.

So, here’s the guidance I’m finding on the other side of some of my biggest challenges: 

• CONFUSION about unexpected circumstances, please guide me to SURRENDER. I simply don’t need to know or understand everything.

  
  

• POWERLESSNESS when I feel like I can’t do anything right, please guide me towards CREATIVITY, where the canvas is blank and anything could happen.

  
  

• DISAPPOINTMENT when I feel unfairly treated, please guide me towards EMPOWERMENT, where my intentions are truer than someone else’s criticisms.

  
  

• SELF-DOUBT when I wonder if the worst version of me is truer than my best version, please guide me towards CONFIDENCE to live as the Truest person I AM. 

  
  

• BETRAYAL when I feel like others take pleasure in watching me fall, please guide me towards COMPASSION for whatever could be happening in their own lives.

  
  

• SADNESS when I feel like I’ve lost something important, please guide me towards PURPOSE, where I can allow myself to experience peace. 

  
  

• FRUSTRATION when I feel criticized and misunderstood, please guide me towards ACCEPTANCE and recognition that it’s not my duty to make others happy.

  
  

• ANXIETY when I agonize about the past or the future, please guide me towards TRUST in my life’s process, however it unfolds.

All that being said, a wise rock climber once told me to “KNOW fear” instead of “NO fear.”

Not to mention, I read the following words on the backdrop of a wise student who sat in one of my virtual trainings recently,

“all possibilities are problems when they are not realized.” – Sadhguru.

Enough said.